The day I lost you

03042012: 16th weeks

I walked up the antenatal clinic all excited to see you again. During our last check-up 3 weeks ago, i had little concern about my blood test so i thought i'll discuss about it with my O&G colleague (your abah's goodfriend) today.

After a small chat, it's time for ultrasound again.

 But where's your heartbeat? Why you seemed all crumpled inside?

My O&G colleague said we should do Doppler's ultrasound for better view but deep inside, i knew. 

I've lost you. 

No sign of abdominal pain or bleeding.

My heart crushed into pieces. I cried my heart out in your father's arms..A strong tuck at my heartstrings. The very first time i saw your abah shed tears.

It was missed miscarriage. We were then counselled by the fetomaternal specialist about the option of medical evacuation and the things we need to do for the next pregnancy. The only thing i asked him was the possibility of my previous illness or the blood test being the cause of my miscarriage; he said no. We were then given an open admission whenever we felt ready for the procedure.

We went home and grieved. Your abah hold me tight and kept me calm while breaking the news to your Tokma. Later, calls and sms flooded in from family and friends. In the evening, we spent the night at your CikHa's house in Kulim as your abah had to be oncall the next day. 

48 hours of silent tears and late night cry.

05042012: I was admitted for induction of labour. We check in the sick bay(single bedded room with en suite for staff of hosp) around 11pm. Your abah stayed with me for the night.

The next day, medication was put in to induce the labour around 8am. Your abah had to left to run some errand so i was all alone. 12pm after a period of abdominal pain, my water broke.

2nd dose of medication was put in around 2pm.

An hour of contraction pain from 530 to 630pm . Selawat syifa and Surah Maryam from the iphone as your abah went out to pick up Tokma and Tokbah from the bus station who came all the way from Kelantan.

When everyone's in the room together with your Aunty Zila who came to visit, i wanted to go to the loo. Then i felt you coming out. Uncomplicated delivery. Fetus still attached to the placenta sac. 

After the ultrasound, we opted to go home first and came back after a week to do repeat ultrasound and decide on D&C

It's been a week now since you left us but only Allah know when actually your heart last beat.

You're put to rest very close to your greatgrandfather's, fondly called as Tok ayah by us.

I took comfort knowing that you're in better place, waiting for us. So we need to become better Muslim to see you again. 

Rest now, my baby. 

The day of flashback

It's 10 weeks plus already and you've been a lot kinder to mama...Even with supersensitive sense of smell, I can slowly enjoy meal with pinched nose...it looks terrible but I can bear with it..Dates and fresh fruits with milk are still my bestfriend until late evening before I can try out other food..

Here's down the memory lane of early days before I found out about you. In December last year, we moved in to our current rented house and shortly after our 1st anniversary, I had my last menses. Then in early January, I noticed of unsightful muffin top whenever I wear my pants. I waited for it to go away but it didnt.. Then i hop onto the weighing scale and there goes the panic button!!
- I became more compliance with my Herbalife shakes (still consuming it for daily nutritional)and tried to make it twice a day..
 -Sign up for aerobic class (after a long procrastination) twice a week
 -Promised myself to STAY AWAY from iced drink for a year (oldfolk's tales..gah!!)
-I even bought "Losyen Pati Halia' in my desperate attempt to get rid of the love handles.. ..

yes, your mama is self-proclaimed body conscious ( and I can see your abah nodding gleefully:p) But none of those works, the bulge remained and I have to calm myself down by saying that maybe it takes time because of age..

Then comes this senile episodes
 1-Locked myself inside the house because i left the house key in the car and your abah was away for his oncall
 2-Make a u-turn on my way home the very same day after morning shift because I forgot to return the triage laptop to the in-charge officer 
3-Left some of the purchases at pasar malam while waiting for som-tam...
4-Forgot my password for Bank Islam's online thus getting the account blocked...ggrrr!

 Your Aunty Im already mentioned of UPT (urine pregnancy test) when I rambled about this in facebook but I thought it's a bit tooo soon..

 I was quite preoccupied with my body change that I eagerly waited for my next menses, wishing it will bring away the extra kg's away..but after a week of expected date, no sign of it yet..So I flipped through my 2011'a organiser, the latest would've been 3 to 4 days delay..

 Now, the bell is ringing out loud..still I thought I should wait a little longer and continued with my aerobic exercise...huhuhu

 But curiousity kills the cat, instead of waiting for another week as promised with your abah(to make it 6 weeks POA), I slipped in the UPT kit from emergency department into my bag on that Friday and waited until night to check it out...so tadaaaaa, it's two lines..alhamdulillahh!

The day of love and care..

Kid, when you grow up dont forget to say thank u to your abah for feeding us well while you're in my womb.. Today he rushed from his badminton games to come home and prepare porridge for my night shift.. Ok, i helped out with fruit salad but he did the final touch as well.. Oh it is soo yummy, i almost finish up the whole bowl last night..Hopefully you wont make me asking for some rare delicacies from your abah.. Be nice ok? Hehe..

The day of 1st ultrasound..

Yesterday i got to see u for the 1st time.. Oh, you're for real!! Sorry my darling but up until this point, i still have some para-delusional thought that i am just being sick with bulging tummy...but when i see 'you' on the screen, then i know i am indeed pregnant.. Hehe, your abah was excited to see 'you' too.. Seeing your tiny heartbeat was beyond words...insya Allah we will see each other in September;)

The day of grandparents..

Tokma and tokbah teared up when mama and abah broke the news..At first they couldnt make a guess when i asked whether they're going for Hajj this year cos i need to be in hometown during that time.. They had this blank face and Tokma thought your abah got to be part of medical team for Hajj.. We couldnt hold the excitement any longer so your abah told them that i am actually 8 weeks pregnant. They expression they had later was priceless. Both were saying prayers of grateful to Allah with tears in their eyes..I went to hug both of them.. Earlier i had difficulty to stay in the kitchen to help with cooking, luckily your abah is around to prepare for breaskfast. I had to find a spot near the door so that i can ventilate, the smell is unbearable for me. Cik ha and family were here as well.. Later tokma had small reunion with her maktab frens... Tokma prepared mee udang and ketupat sotong but i could only enjoy the earlier.. Saying goodbye to seafood for now *sob sob..

The day of pecal lele..

I'm 7 weeks pregnant an today we went travelling together for the first time with mama's besties to Jakarta... Poor abah have to stay behind because its girls' trip... But mama brings him along in my heart.. Thank you for behaving so well along the journey.. In fact you let mama eat so much than usual, i'm afraid the pants' button might pop off... As usual, mama went crazy in the bazaar but deep inside, i pray that Allah will protect us and keep you safe.. I hope i feed you well with scrumptious food and you're comfortable there, dont worry mama promise to buy myself new pants with bigger waistline tomorrow (bye bye 25' for now, sob sob) should you hear mama's planning to buy more stuffs.. Just let me be k? Hehehe Sent from my iPhone

The day of random sickness

You've started to remind mama of your presence a bit more frequent but in a very mild way... Nothing of hourly vomiting yet but mama have to slow down my pace at work because of dizziness and nausea..mama tried to avoid pills but sometimes i just had to.. Its also tricky to contain this excitement whenever mama was on the phone with your grandma or aunties but i choose to keep it secret until i meet your grandparents which would be soonn.. Sent from my iPhone

The day of fishy question..

People around mama started to make a guess about your presence already... Although i dont have the usual sickness with you, somehow they have this unusual sixth sense... Your abah is now adapting to my new habit as i make use of our driving trip into my little nap.. He once caught himself talking to sleeping mama..but the best thing of having you inside is mama dont have to worry about my muffin top! Sent from my iPhone

The day of endless gratitude...

Today, mama found out about you when you're merely 5 weeks.. Welcome my baby... May Allah ease our journey together, insya Allah.. I feel so surreal yet grateful, and i'm sure your abah feel the same way though he tries to be subtle.. Be good, my darling... Sent from my iPhone