Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The day I lost you

03042012: 16th weeks

I walked up the antenatal clinic all excited to see you again. During our last check-up 3 weeks ago, i had little concern about my blood test so i thought i'll discuss about it with my O&G colleague (your abah's goodfriend) today.

After a small chat, it's time for ultrasound again.

 But where's your heartbeat? Why you seemed all crumpled inside?

My O&G colleague said we should do Doppler's ultrasound for better view but deep inside, i knew. 

I've lost you. 

No sign of abdominal pain or bleeding.

My heart crushed into pieces. I cried my heart out in your father's arms..A strong tuck at my heartstrings. The very first time i saw your abah shed tears.

It was missed miscarriage. We were then counselled by the fetomaternal specialist about the option of medical evacuation and the things we need to do for the next pregnancy. The only thing i asked him was the possibility of my previous illness or the blood test being the cause of my miscarriage; he said no. We were then given an open admission whenever we felt ready for the procedure.

We went home and grieved. Your abah hold me tight and kept me calm while breaking the news to your Tokma. Later, calls and sms flooded in from family and friends. In the evening, we spent the night at your CikHa's house in Kulim as your abah had to be oncall the next day. 

48 hours of silent tears and late night cry.

05042012: I was admitted for induction of labour. We check in the sick bay(single bedded room with en suite for staff of hosp) around 11pm. Your abah stayed with me for the night.

The next day, medication was put in to induce the labour around 8am. Your abah had to left to run some errand so i was all alone. 12pm after a period of abdominal pain, my water broke.

2nd dose of medication was put in around 2pm.

An hour of contraction pain from 530 to 630pm . Selawat syifa and Surah Maryam from the iphone as your abah went out to pick up Tokma and Tokbah from the bus station who came all the way from Kelantan.

When everyone's in the room together with your Aunty Zila who came to visit, i wanted to go to the loo. Then i felt you coming out. Uncomplicated delivery. Fetus still attached to the placenta sac. 

After the ultrasound, we opted to go home first and came back after a week to do repeat ultrasound and decide on D&C

It's been a week now since you left us but only Allah know when actually your heart last beat.

You're put to rest very close to your greatgrandfather's, fondly called as Tok ayah by us.

I took comfort knowing that you're in better place, waiting for us. So we need to become better Muslim to see you again. 

Rest now, my baby.